


take a break

by lakshmi



Series: there's a chair in your heart. [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: post-stormblood predictions, she is Sad and Old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:43:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11025972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakshmi/pseuds/lakshmi
Summary: my character is a sad and tired miqo'te monk who's recovering from her injuries after fighting during the revolution, please let her rest she has done So Much





	take a break

The days after are harder than Kanan imagined they would be -- when her thoughts were actually preoccupied with the future, that was. She did not think much of her path ahead when the only end in sight seemed to be hers, in this bed, waist wrapped with bandages so tight she feared she could not breathe; but breathe she did, her body instinctively fighting every negative urge that wracked and wrecked her mind. Despite the heavy exhaustion that pools in her bones, she lives.  _ It does not feel like living _ , but she’s well aware of the consequences that come with her failure.

 

_ Oh, that.  _

 

Failure was  **far** from the actuality of the situation -- she had freed her city, her country, and the cost had nearly been her life. Gladly would she have offered it up in any case without a fight if freedom would be brought to the place where her heart truly belonged, but… 

 

_ I got ahead of myself.  _

 

She should be thankful for the actions of her brother ( and on the surface, she is. She knows what he’s gone through to get her back to ishgard. ) regardless of her true feelings, yet she cannot bring herself to speak to him face to face. Whether it is result of exhaustion or a mere fear of confrontation she cannot tell -- perhaps that is for the better. Kanan cares for him unconditionally, and fears he  _ might  _ have gotten the wrong idea about her when they first met.

 

_ But I can’t solve that now.  _

 

Her gaze drifts to the window, where fresh snow settles on the windowsill. She’d insisted it be left open -- Kanan couldn’t bear the stuffy rooms the chirurgoens allotted their patients to occupy, and allowed her sheer monstrosity of a determined mind to do her work for her. She would stay, but only in the event that fresh air be let into the room at all times. She was, after all, a friend of the Scions; what she said, went. The memory is one of few lighter ones in the past few days, and highlights the climax of her strength. She has not felt the same since, if anything, she struggles to move more than a few inches without heavy spells of dizziness crashing into her like waves.

 

She’s frustrated. 

 

But she has not been alone, at the very least. Despite all odds, she sees that as a bright side in her dark days and even dimmer nights. She’s expecting Thancred tonight -- or so she’s heard from her brother, who seems to have taken a  _ sort of  _ liking to him. At that confession, Kanan had laughed;  _ we all have, have we not _ ? She’d teased. The idea of having a brother to tease in the first place is a completely foreign concept to her, though she valiantly attempts to incorporate him into her daily life as much as she possibly can -- they have decades of life to catch up on. 

 

_ I have to be strong, for him _ .

 

Her hand shakes as she grips the sheets and pushes herself upright, forcing her way through waves of startling, shocking pain in her midsection. She gasps aloud, nearly keeling over when her vision goes white with stars and blinding flashes, but she’s caught by a hand -- she can’t tell if it’s hers or that of some unknown visitor. Whomever’s it may be, she stays upright, but not without effort. She can feel the roughness of the cotton beneath her palms as she presses them to the bed, leaning heavily on them in a desperate attempt to steady her shaking form. Kanan can’t fight through the fog on her own, though she stubbornly refuses to give up when she’s come this far. 

 

She doesn’t notice the tilt of the mattress as another settles himself on the edge of it properly, moving the hand he’s placed on her shoulder to her back -- she’s far too absorbed in dragging herself out of her self-made hell to feel it. 

 

‘ Kanan. ‘  the hyur calls to her, tone firm and near stoic. 

 

When she does not move, he moves instead. Placing his hands against the front of her shoulders, he pulls her back towards him, where he leans against the wall and in turn, eases her against him. He aims to lessen her discomfort by reducing the pressure on the wound -- which she has so  _ cleverly  _ moved in all the wrong ways. His head shakes at her stubbornness; it would be both her greatest ally and worst assailant in her recovery, but perhaps she had anticipated this already. 

 

‘ You are going to ruin Y’shtola’s handiwork, you know -- ‘ he moves his hands to rest protectively, lightly over the bandaged wound. ‘ I would advise you to be more  _ wary  _ in your endeavours, dear Kanan. ‘ 

 

_ Twice  _ he has spoken her name, and it is only now that she hears it. Begrudgingly, she allows herself to lean against Thancred’s chest, head rested on his shoulder. ‘ ‘tis not my fault everyone under the  _ Sun _ wishes me idle. ‘ her voice is soft as she speaks, frustration evident in the gaze she casts toward the moon outside her window. 

 

‘ perhaps not, but you certainly have not made a convincing case for yourself. ‘ oh, but she knows  _ all too well  _ what she’s done, and it is  _ certainly  _ none of Thancred’s business. 

 

Kanan opens her mouth to speak, jaw set in rash anger -- he shushes her, waving a hand about as if to clear the air. ‘  _ however _ , that ship has sailed. there is naught to be done now except wait and watch your recovery. ‘ 

 

‘ then you hold no quarrel with me? ‘ she is quick to ask.

 

‘ have i a reason to possess one? ‘ his gaze shifts to her once more, curious. 

 

‘ i -- ‘ Kanan hesitates, eyes dropping to her hands. ‘ i do not wish to fight any longer. not - not as  _ that _ , but -- i am growing older, and more exhausted by the day. ‘ 

 

It’s quite obvious by his quickened breathing that he had  _ not  _ expected that. He is not to blame -- they have not talked in quite some time. ‘ -- is that what you want, Kanan? this seems rather sudden. ‘ 

 

Her hands move to cover his. ‘ while fighting primals and battling imperial legatuses has saved Eorzea, i have been unable to save those i hold most dear to me. I tire of  _ loss _ . I am so -- so tired. ‘  both past spouses long gone, she never goes a day without feeling the emptiness in the air. And while she is  _ hardly  _ alone with another at her side, she fears.  _ What if the same were to happen to him?  _

 

He does not reply immediately, taking in the sheer weight and honesty of her words. Rarely did she confess to a weakness or plague of this caliber -- perhaps it truly  _ was  _ time. ‘ in any case, you cannot decide this very minute. we hold you to no duties when you are injured, of course -- take any and all time you require. I shall not let you go so easily, yet … you have naught to worry over; if you truly wish to leave, you have my blessing. ‘

 

‘ truly? ‘ 

 

‘ truly and honestly, from my heart. you have accomplished more than many of us combined -- ‘tis the only way i know how to express my gratitude properly for it. ‘ 

 

Her eyes close, and she breathes easy -- this is not the end of her journey,  _ not by a long shot,  _ but the mere prospect of holding something other than  **_fear_ ** for the future is completely foreign, and perhaps more frightful than the paranoia itself.

 

‘ … thank you, Thancred. ‘ he offers her a small nod in reassurance.

 

For the first time in five years, she rests quietly and contently.

 

 


End file.
